My Story I am writing this page 6 years after I had and lost Lucy. So many things have changed in my life since the day I held my daughter in my arms as she 'fell asleep' forever. I don't expect people to even begin to understand what I went through or why I did the things I did. I wouldn't want them to because to understand would be to suffer the pain of losing a child, and that is something no parent should ever have to go through. When I lost Lucy I honestly felt like my life was over. I found no meaning in anything. My life seemed pointless. I was an empty shell of the woman I had been 9 months earlier. So excited about being pregnant. So many hopes and dreams. These hopes and dreams had been cruelly snatched away from me. What would I do now? What was my purpose? I didn't have one. What about the future? I couldn't see that either. Looking back I know that I did in fact have a future in my son Thomas. He was the one thing that kept me going, but back then, I even thought he would be better off without me. How many times I thought to myself 'I want to die. Everyone would be better off without me.' And I honestly did believe this to be true. In failed desperate attempts, I have never felt so lonely in my life. My life just crumbled around me and I felt too weak to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I missed Lucy so much. I felt cheated. I needed her with me, despite knowing this would never happen. I was desperate for another baby. My arms felt so empty. I thought another baby would fill the void and make everything better. It became an obsession. It took 8 months for me to conceive and once pregnant I felt nothing, but total guilt. How could I of ever imagined that another baby would fill the void that losing Lucy left me with. My pregnancy progressed smoothly, but that didn't reassure me. Lucy's pregnancy had also ran smoothly. It was when she was born that her condition had been discovered. I knew I could not go through the heartache again. I prayed I wouldn't have to. Despite having a new focus for the future, things still seemed so bad. Me and James grew further apart. Both grieving in different ways. Coping the best we could. I needed to talk though. To keep going over what had happened. I needed to understand how my life which had seemed so perfect, had in an instance, fallen apart. On the 16th September 2003, my 2nd beautiful daughter Emily Rose was born. Though a stitch to the heart, she was a constant reminder of the daughter I had lost. I loved Emily with all my heart, but that didn't help me with my grief. My battle with depression continued. I found myself online 24/7 looking for answers. Needing to talk to other people who had lost a child. People who could understand what I was going through. In January 2005, me and James seperated. They say losing a child either makes or breaks you. For me, it broke us. I continued to live my life online. The internet too was an obsession. It was the only place that I felt I could talk to people who could understand. Around me, everyone seemed to be getting on with their lives. Afterall, it had been over 2 1/2 yrs since Lucy had died. Surely I should be 'better' by now. It was online that I met Karen. She lived ten minutes away from me and she was my lifeline. Our friendship developed and we became a couple. Her being a woman didn't matter to me. She made me happy and in her, for the first time since losing Lucy, I saw my future. I am sure that my new relationship was/is a shock to family and friends that knew me before I lost Lucy. I can't offer an explanation though and I don't feel I should have to. All I can say is that after losing Lucy my life felt worthless, and meeting Karen changed that. They say all things happen for a reason, but I can honestly say I will never understand why I lost Lucy. I know though that if I hadn't of lost her, I wouldn't have Emily Rose and I wouldn't have Karen. That is a hard reality to be faced with. I have been with Karen for almost 4yrs now. We are engaged and I have never been happier. She too has 2 children; Rachael 17yrs and Ryan 11yrs. Rachael has a little girl, Lexi Louise who is almost 4 months old. She is so beautiful and such a blessing in our lives. My little man Thomas is now 11yrs old and I hope that he will forgive me for the years of darkness I battled through after losing Lucy. I know I haven't been the best mother in the world that I could have been for him. In my grief I failed to notice that he needed me just as much as I needed him. He is such a bright little boy and he makes me proud everyday. I probably need to tell him that more. I love you so much matey xx Emily Rose is now 5 years old and hmmm..... let's just say that boys are certainly easier to raise than girls! She's a little madam, but I love her also so much. She is my sunshine after the rain and I will be forever grateful that she was born a healthy little girl. Karen, I love you so much babe. You have been my rock and you gave me a reason to live again. I know that Lucy will be watching over us and glad that you make her Mummy so happy. I finally saw my future in you. I love you so much and will do forever xx As for me, well I don't believe that times a healer. I think you just learn to deal with the grief better, simply because you have to. Not a day passes me by when I don't think of Lucy and what might have been. She was and always will be my first beautiful baby girl and I will always be thankful for having had the chance to have her in my life. Love doesn't stop when you lose someone, it lives forever in your heart and keeps you connected. Lucy may have been in my arms a short time, but she will live in my heart forever. Lucy, you're safe with the angels now and I know you are watching over me and your brother and sister. I feel so blessed to have had you in my life. I will love you and miss you forever sweetheart. Sweetdreams Babe xx